A Fashion Blog By Gemma Talbot

Thursday, 12 April 2018

When You UnIntentionally Fall For A Fuck Boy


First it started out as a bit of fun and yes we all know what that means. After a string of booty calls and let’s face it pretty mind blowing you know what, in my head it was purely casual and definitely no strings attached. Casual because we’d never really go on real dates and it was more of a Netflix and chill situation and he’d rarely ask me to sleep over. I even got hit with the “babe I don’t really feel like sharing my bed tonight” line which naturally was my cue to leave and perhaps cry at the same time. Ultimately this guy wasn’t trying to date me, put a label on anything and by no means commit to me in any way shape or form. I’d even go as far as to say he was your modern day fuck boy (the term we’ve all adopted after watching Love Island) but what I didn’t know was that months on, I was going to fall for him and worse still be massively fucked over. So when you meet a guy that makes your heart beat faster and your palms sweat in that moment you'll know that they are the ultimate fuckboy and to run for the hills. 

As mentioned above, whilst we did speak often it was casual. After being caught on a night out in Clapham hand in hand with what I can only describe as a very good looking boy the guy I had been seeing for a while brought it upon himself to call out my name and make it known that he had indeed seen me with this other guy. A real life (drunken) shaming. Yes I did feel embarrassed but also slightly smug because at the end of the day this guy couldn’t expect me to not have fun if he wasn’t trying to establish anything either. After the awkward encounter and him apparently saying “I can have her whenever I want her” to his friends, I went on my way or shall I say back to my friends for an after party. What was to follow really annoyed me. A WhatsApp message simply saying "naughty naughty" which I ignored followed by a voice note the next evening which iterated "well, well, well. Gemma, Gemma, Gemma. I really didn’t think you were like that." Like what I thought to myself?! Basically insinuating what guys would brand as a slag. The inner pettiness in me surfaced 🙋🏼 and what I did in response was screen shot a photo of the guy I got with that night with the caption #winning 😍💦 At the end of the day in my eyes this guy had no right to be upset let alone judgemental or worse try to make me feel bad for it. I missed out the part where he got into a car of what I think was at least 5 girls when I saw him on a night out. I mean that leaves little to the imagination. Double standards much?!

Monday morning in the gym (where we met might I add) I was met with a real life #awks scenario. This guy was on a wind up which wasn’t unusual of his character but with that said his cheekiness was something that attracted me to him in the first place. When he started to probe for information I denied that anything sexual happened other than a kiss partly because I was embarrassed but also because I liked this guy and didn’t want him to be put off me. I mean I know we live in the modern day world but it doesn’t really scream girlfriend material does it? And I know he’d never judge me but I was scared he would which is why I wanted to keep things to myself. 


Months later, what I didn't know was that he was totally going to call my bluff. He made up a story (which I believed at the time) whilst chilling at my house that he had bumped into this guy and asked what really went down that night. Apparently, this guy had told him the complete truth and was calling me out on the fact I lied about it and tried to make me feel bad my saying we were meant to be a team. Turns out my friend had seen this guy that week and told me about it and as they were on speaking terms I asked for her to find out the whole truth for me. As predicted he had never bumped into him and basically made up a complete lie to get me to admit to something I shouldn't have felt guilty about. What we were back then was no where near what we were at this point but why did he make me feel so guilty for it? He left in a huff and I thought that was the last I would see of him. 



I genuinely thought after this things would just go downhill and whilst we continued to just have casual sex once we hung out more I actually started to really like this guy. Why you might ask? Well the chemistry was undeniable. I was so attracted to him. He had the face and muscles that made me feel like a pathetic school girl and he knew exactly the effect he had on me. When we’d hang out, he made me feel special and wanted and I was so comfortable around him. He was affectionate, complimentary and funny. What was not to love?! I’d genuinely feel things were going somewhere until I’d see him in the gym and he’d say that I was in the friend zone. Or shall I say he’d actually shout out loud “friend zone, friend zone”. For any girl this uncertainty and slight rejection is like a drug and leaves you wanting more and as predicted it did. Major face palm moment. 

As time went on we started seeing each other more, speaking several times a day on the phone followed by a string of daily voice notes and memes. I mean any guy that can get my sense of humour and send me memes is basically a keeper. Whilst I probably haven’t painted a very good picture of him he steered me onto my fitness journey which I’ll always be grateful to him for. I also discovered that beyond the cheeky, fuck boy exterior he actually was a sweet guy and we had a lot in common and he really understood me as a person which often can be hard to find. I felt I could 100% be myself around him and he made me laugh. Not the haha kind of laugh but the bust your gut, feel as though your stomach is going to fly out of your arse kind of laugh. 

Over time, the more time I spent with him the more I began to like him but also felt like he had become my best friend. I definitely hadn’t found a guy who made me smile like that in a long time, that’s for sure. With that said, he was always very mysterious, definitely a bit of a closed book, which left me feeling uncertain of his true feelings towards me but for the amount we spoke I knew I must mean something to him. After months of seeing each other and even talks of going on holiday together, naturally I questioned where things were going. We hadn't had the chat as such but I didn't want to initiate it either. However, the uncertainty killed me and I wanted to know where I stood. I constantly felt like I was on a roundabout with him and just wanted some consistency. What came out of the conversation was that he was scared to commit but he assured me he wasn't seeing, speaking or sleeping with anyone else and hoped I wasn't either. Automatically I assumed this meant we were exclusively seeing each other, no?!. 



Whilst we had banter and I’d certainly give it as good as I got it when I did find myself upset asking my friends for advice they gave me a different perspective on this relationship we had altogether. I’ll give you a few examples of things he had said to me which I still can’t differentiate as ‘banter’ or what some of my friends would deem as emotional abuse. For some reason he'd put me down but to this day I still don't know why. Was it to make himself feel better or to diminish my ego so that I'd keep going back to him. Who knows. 

“When my cousin met you he said you had a skinny body but round face like a hamster.”
“My cousin doesn’t find you attractive but I do.”

"You are the real flat batty girl.” - bearing in mind I’ve been working for months in the gym to try and build a bum. There was also a girl in the gym whom I know fancied him and apparently asked for his number to go for a drink which he obviously brought it upon himself to bring to my attention and he said to me “her bum is looking amazing” and “I could sleep with her if I wanted to.” OK hun you do that. 

He’d say something nice to me like "you look so beautiful without so much makeup on." "You look like a Victoria sponge when you cake it on. Maybe you just don’t know how to apply it properly.” Back handed compliment right there and since when does a guy know anything about makeup application. 

The thing is my natural reaction is to defend him because a lot of people wouldn’t understand the relationship we had. We basically rip the piss out of each other every single day but sometimes I do feel that his ‘banter’ would prey on my insecurities and he'd always go one step too far. I'd often be left feeling stupid because I'd feel as though I couldn't take his 'banter'. 


The worst was something he said to me recently. A friend of his who followed me on Instagram said I apparently have a "body like Baywatch, but a face like crime watch." This got to me so much that I hands down wanted to cry my eyes out. He had said "but I don't think it, I think you're beautiful." and it didn't even matter that it had supposedly come from him friend. It was the comment itself that was so hurtful and I didn't understand why he needed to tell me even if it were true. I mean I know I'm not going to be everyones cup of tea but that made me feel so ugly and no girl, no matter how secure they are in themselves wants to hear that.  

This didn't all happen at once, it was over months and ultimately I could laugh some of them off but one day it just hit me like a tonne of bricks. Especially the last. 

Despite all of this, because I guess one could class it as banter, Christmas was looming and I found myself ordering him a present. The thing is he never put a label on anything but the whole time lead me to believe that we were exclusively seeing each other. He told me he’s definitely not sleeping or talking to other girls and really hoped I wasn’t too because I was "his" but the ironic thing is I wasn’t because he didn’t want to make me his girlfriend. Christmas came around and he didn’t get me a present and whilst I’m not one to give to receive (some would say my downfall is that I’m far too generous) I did feel a slight pang of disappointment especially as I had bought his something. 




Up until just a few weeks ago I was happy to go along with the situation even though in the back of my mind I wanted him to commit to me. When I brought it to his attention and actually broke down in tears he said “What’s the rush you know I’m not going anywhere babe. The best relationships are formed out of a solid friendship and we’re still getting to know each other.” He’d tell me that he loved me and refer to us as a "team" but he didn’t want to put a label on it. He’d even say “so say you’re my girlfriend and I put a label on it what actually would change between us. It’s just a label. We'd still be the same.” I often found his argument convincing and actually nothing would change, I’d just feel more assured that he wanted to be with me and all girls need reassurance. Or was it all just next level manipulation to get me to adopt his way of thinking? Basically it seemed like he wanted all of the benefits of a relationship without the label. 

Of course you can imagine it was one big head fuck but ultimately my feelings for him had intensified and the L word was creeping in. I didn’t want to fall for this guy, let alone say it and never thought it would be anything more than just sex but sexual chemistry aside I genuinely felt like he was my best friend (despite the above) and even if it didn’t feel right I didn’t want to let go of what we had either. He'd become a massive part of my life and I didn't want to close that door or let go of the good things we had. Even the smallest things like Sunday's chilling on the sofa watching a movie or both curled up in stitches watching the farting toilet seat of White Chicks was something that I knew I would miss. Equally, when he would tell me how much attention he got when he went out or point out when girls were checking him out when we were together it all got a bit too much for me. 


A few days went by and obviously I felt completely disheartened by what he had said to me about committing. I often used to joke around that he was “the real non-committal kind of boy” and we’d both just laugh it off. Ultimately though, jokes aside I felt that I wasn’t good enough because if I was he would commit to me. He wouldn’t want to risk losing me or me walking away. I even said to him are you not scared of losing me and his response was "I have faith that you won't walk away because I know what we have is good." Surely it couldn’t be the classic I’m scared of commitment like most guys are. It had to be more than that. I did take his comment about rushing into things on board but firstly we’d been dating for 6 months, probably 3 and half of those more seriously. Secondly, I was in a 5 and a half year relationship with my ex so naturally I feel a little conscious about wasting my time or worse having it wasted by someone who’s not prepared to take me seriously. Let's go with the flow wasn't enough for me and let's face it this comment is for dead fish. 



To put it bluntly he told me out of the blue that he thinks it's better that we are just friends. He said doesn't want to risk losing me or the relationship we have and even began to call me his "bestie". I mean I was actually well and truly put in the friend zone with the song "You're my bestie, bestie, you're my bestie." I don't think I have explained enough how much I did for this guy and the ways in which I helped him out which is why I feel so mugged off, humiliated and completely let down by someone I whole heartedly trusted. I guess it serves me right for trying to pursue a fuck boy after all. The worst part is now that things have gone pear shaped, I've discovered that he still uses my Netflix. I mean the audacity! I just had to laugh. 

After probing as to why he didn’t want to commit, I finally got to the bottom of it. His real reason for not committing (so he says) was because he had a bad track record of cheating on all previous girlfriends he’d had and didn’t want to hurt me because I’m such a lovely person and he cares too much about me. Obviously my first reaction was a massive red flag. I knew he cheated on one ex girlfriend because he told me and I did respect the honesty, but this bad track record he spoke of I was absolutely clueless about. I was also left feeling well where does this leave me? Was it a cop out? Did he want me to cut my losses and walk away or did he just want to have his cake and eat it? For months, I’d basically given him all of the girlfriend benefits without the label so why would he feel the need to commit now? Massive error on my part which I feel stupid for now. 

The above was a conversation we had on the phone and after ending it and having a little time to think, something came over me and it was to cut all contact and walk away. I sent him the “I think we should cut contact" message but before he had time to read it he called me. Obviously massively awkward. I felt so sad, mainly because I genuinely felt like I was losing a friend more than anything and sometimes this is way harder than ending any romantic relationship. It’s a different kind of pain. When you fall out with a friend it seems to hit you harder somehow. 

Ultimately my former self would have stuck around, taken more batterings to my self esteem until it was so low that I was an emotional wreck taking months of self recovery to get me back on the path to normality. Whilst I cried a little I felt that it’s the maturest I’ve been and if anything is a sign to myself that I’m growing up, deserve more but perhaps am valuing my self worth. I will admit that I did cave a few times and found him at mine and vice versa but that’s because I missed having him there. I'm only human after all so I'm not going to punish myself too much. 


Cutting someone out of your life completely is really hard especially when you’ve become used to speaking to them everyday. You miss the morning texts you wake up to and the companionship more than the sexual aspects of a relationship. It’s like going cold turkey, you need to soften the initial blow but ultimately what I need to take away from this experience is a lesson. Otherwise all the pain I went through and disappointment I felt would have been for nothing. Bye Felicia or shall I say Justicia. Only those closest to me will get this joke. 



I do eventually want to settle down but I'm not up for settling either. Without blowing my own trumpet I know I have a heart of gold and I’ll go above and beyond to help someone I love which I did for him and as such deserve the same back. Did he take me for granted? Definitely. Am I angry at myself? Of course. But one thing I will say is that I stayed true to myself but I need to learn to be more firm in future.  My granddad used to say to me that men would move mountains to be with you and whilst this may be a little old fashioned, I believe that there is definitely some truth to it. This guy definitely didn’t want to move mountains for me, maybe a dumb bell more like but would 100% expect me to do so for him. Selfish behaviour at its finest.

I’m left with the uncertainty of whether he only ever saw me as a best friend or if it was in fact more and whilst it’s taken a blow to my self esteem I knew I had to remove myself from that situation and taking the actual step to do so is something I’m really proud of. It’s all too easy to stay in something that makes you feel comfortable but in the end we were seeing each other less and less and it started to feel like he wanted a pen pal or something when it was convenient for him. 


Whilst I may have gone on, I am sure so many girls can relate to this post. Whether it's one fuck boy or more every girl has to experience the bad to appreciate the good as and when it finally comes along. However, it seems to feel as though I really have been dealt a bad hand when it comes to men. Writing this post however has felt quite therapeutic and I know in a few weeks I'll be ok. Anyone who has been through a break up before knows that at the time it feels awful but you will be ok. Ultimately, I've taken a battering to my self esteem along with a big fat slap of rejection but after all I just have to pick myself up and dust myself down. Success really is the best revenge and I'm going to do just that and work on being the best possible version of myself. If all else fails, I can look at buying some fuck boy repellant to keep them all away. 

This t-shirt definitely sums up how I feel about the situation. One big fat UGH but if you dwell on things for too long you'll just drive yourself mad. Don't you agree?



Shop this post:

Tee - Glamorous
Skirt - Topshop
Shoes - And Other Stories
Bag - Topshop
Belt - ASOS


This post was taken using the Google Pixel and edited using VSCO. 
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5 comments

  1. Loved this Gemma.
    Real, honest and hard not to relate to.
    You're a gorgeous, strong-minded, powerful woman with a heart of gold.
    Don't forget your worth.

    www.lifeofelana.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are so beautiful Gemma and so talented! Love your outfit posts and thank you for opening up with this personal post. I am so sorry this happened to you and just know that nobody has the right to make you feel bad about the way you look - least of all someone you’re getting intimate with. This guy sounds really insecure and manipulative and like he gets off making you feel bad about yourself. Glad you’re away from this situation now.

    Elise
    www.elisesantos.com

    ReplyDelete
  3. this is super simple with lots of cool vibes
    http://www.melodyjacob.com

    ReplyDelete
  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  5. This sounds like a guy who's been reading Nick Strauss' "The Game". I'm sorry you had to go through that chick. Hold your head high, know your worth and never settle! And check out this HuffPo article for more info on "The Game"

    ReplyDelete

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Gemma x

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